Modern Goddess Magazine

It happens to all of us. It doesn’t matter where you live. It doesn’t matter your age, your race or your religious perspective. When you become a mother, you lose your name. The funny thing is that as universal as this is, no one prepares you for it! It starts during the nine months of pregnancy, but its very subtle. Everywhere you go there are people calling you “honey” and “sweetie” and taking liberties touching your protruding belly.

You become accustomed to the attention as you answer questions about when you’re due, what you’re having and whether or not you have the room set up with a theme. You take classes and learn about breast feeding, car seats, diapers and what you should have at home to receive baby. You have a baby shower where all of the gifts are addressed with your name and all the time you are unaware that you’re slipping further and further away from an identity that you call your own.

The day of birth finally arrives and in an instant everything changes. You don’t realize it at first. In fact it could take years before you become fully aware of it, but in that instant of birth, when your name becomes mom you’ve become a person that is more needed than you’ve ever been in your life and less seen than anyone else in the world.

Your spouse, parents and friends may visit you just after the arrival of baby and they’ll begin to ask you, “So how does mom feel?”. As the years roll on, baby goes to pre-school and you’ll meet other mother’s in the hallway and they’ll say, “Are you Ben’s mom?”. Still later, baby goes to school and the invitations to birthday parties begin and you find yourself calling for those RSVP’s and leaving messages that say, “Hi, this is Eric’s mom calling about the party.”

All of the adorable crafts and cards brought to you in love by your children will all be addressed to mom. You’ll consider them treasures and proudly show them off.

Probably the most disturbing of all is that your spouse may also fall into the trap of forgetting your name. For years you may not have noticed that he addressed you as “hon” or “sweetheart” or any number of affectionate names. These are all terrific, but when he starts to talk to you as if he is talking through the children, you feel distinctly concerned. He may say, “Does mommy know where Gillian’s shirt is?” The moment that this occurs may be your first clue that your name is missing.

One day, eleven years and four children later, I woke up, looked in the mirror and said my name. It was foreign, difficult and just plain weird. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it! I love being mom, but I knew at that moment that the most important thing that I could do for my kids was not to forget myself.

The first thing that I did was ask my husband to call me Cheryl. Hon is nice, but Cheryl suits me much better at this point in my life. I don’t think he likes it because he so rarely uses my name. It has been a difficult change for him, but I think he sees me more and I love to hear him say it. Of course, my children don’t call me Cheryl, but when I meet other mothers I have committed to asking for their name and making my best effort to remember it. When I reply to those birthday party invitations I’m careful to say, “Hi, this is Cheryl, Eric’s mother.”

I’ve found my missing name! I have to remember that it took me eleven years to notice that it was gone, so I’m gentle with myself in rediscovering it. Your name is the way that you’ve addressed yourself for a long time. It’s important! I might research the history of my name or the meaning in numerology, or possibly read about people that have shared my name or the derivative of it now that I’m rediscovering it for myself. This path of rediscovery is fun.

I know that I’ll always be mom. I never want to stop hearing that name! I know also that I’m still a loving wife, but that being Cheryl keeps me from being invisible and helps me to love them all without losing myself.

If you’re a mom and your name is missing, make 2008 the year of rediscovering it and at the same time, rediscovering you.