Modern Goddess Magazine

‘Tis the giving season. Like me, you may have discovered that this year we are all in a much different situation than we’ve been previous years. Even if our worldwide economic woes have not directly impacted your household you certainly know someone that is being affected through job loss or other financial problems.

For many years I made my living as a mortgage loan originator, so I still have many friends in that business. As a result, I have become keenly aware of the market change in my area and have noticed a palpable shift in the energetic force around me. I have been searching for ways that I can positively impact my friends and neighbors that are going through difficult times. I believe firmly that as things change in our economy we will find ourselves more deeply connected than we have been for many years. In other words, we’re all going to need to help each other.

On my personal crusade of giving to others I’ve learned a few lessons about giving that I never expected would come up. Part of why I give is because I want my children to be giving people. I also want them to be emotionally strong and healthy, which has led me to a quirky question. What is the difference between charity and enabling?

It has come to my attention that throughout the years, although I always have the best of intentions, my giving to others leads me to frustration. Even when I give to my children there are times when I wind up feeling like I’ve hindered their progress instead of helping. When discussing this with my husband the other night he wisely said, “It seems to me that the difference between charity and enabling is what you expect out of the giving.”

He is absolutely correct and I have begun to evaluate my expectations when it comes time to give. You might think that this goes against the whole spirit of giving, but in order to be truly whole in our giving, it’s important to know how you feel about it. There are a few types of giving that we encounter regularly. Here are a few tips to figure out if you have expectations when you give:

1. Giving to our children. Of course we give to them because we love them. We give to them because we want to and because it is our desire that they have a full, joyous and complete life. Giving objects or things is usually not a problem, but there are ways that we give to our children that also involve expectation. If we give our children the privilege of doing something, we may also expect that they behave responsibly. It is important when I give my children latitude that I am also very clear about what I expect from them. Making the assumption that they know what I expect usually causes me stress in the end.

If you’re like me, your children have some chores around the house that they are expected to do on a regular basis. Things like keeping their rooms clean or helping to bring wood in during the winter. When my children ask to go out with a friend instead of working on their chores, it’s important for me to be clear about what needs to be done when they return. If I am not clear and I allow them to go, I wind up being upset later when they do not complete their chore. It feels at that point like an unreciprocated kindness.

It may seem like this isn’t giving at all, but giving to our family is just about the most important type of giving that we do. As a mother you give of yourself to your children every minute of the day and if care is not taken to express boundaries you begin to feel used and under appreciated. Part of our responsibility as a parent is to teach our children that with privilege comes responsibility, so being up front about the give and take in the relationship is an important aspect of that teaching.

2. Giving to charitable organizations. This is actually the easiest type of giving and the one that is most likely to be done purely with no expectation. When you donate canned goods or money to a group you rarely have an idea that you will get something in return. Choosing the type of organization that aligns with your values is important, but otherwise, this is usually done in anonymity and not likely to cause any frustration about expectation.

3. Giving to friends or family. There is no doubt that we need to pitch in together now more than any other time in our history. With a shortage of finances people will have need for food, for automobiles, for cash and for many other necessities. I’m a strong proponent of giving when and what you can, but it is important to check in with yourself to be sure that you have the item or time to give.

What are you giving and what do you expect in return? Do you expect that friend to be there for you when you have a need? If you’re lending an item or giving your time, have you been clear about the limitations? You’re idea of the outcome may not be the same idea that is shared by your friend, so communicating about it up front will prevent a strain in your friendship as well as on your own family and finances.

I hope that this giving season will encourage your generosity and that around the world we will pull together in our communities. Understanding that we are all a part of each other goes a long way toward knowing that when we help someone else we help ourselves. Giving without expectation is not as easy as it originally may seem, so check in with yourself as you give so that the true spirit of giving fills you and brightens your life as you share it with others.