Modern Goddess Magazine

The Shoulds stalk most people through their entire lives. I Should call my parents more often, I Should exercise more often, I Should floss. You name it, The Shoulds are there as a draining force. When you become a mother, The Shoulds become screaming voices in your head because there is a never ending stream that demands your attention. The Shoulds can keep you running for years hoping to grasp a feeling of wholeness once each Should is tackled. Completing the Shoulds, however, does not lead to living your best and most fulfilling life.

The Shoulds instead begin to define you and mold your days into drudgery until there is only a hazy line left between the Shoulds and the Musts. At that point, the Wants don’t even register on the radar. The Musts are the facts. They’re the things that, without your attention each day will lead to the harm of someone or something else. In motherhood, it is vitally important to be able to tell the difference between the Shoulds and the Musts. If you stray from this knowing, you may find yourself reluctant to get out of bed each day to meet the challenges before you.

Many mothers strive to meet a standard that is really only an image. We find the image by observing what we think we see in others, or reading advice books and magazines. The Shoulds creep in quickly telling you how your children Should be dressed, how often they Should go to the doctor, what you Should label as a behavior problem and how children Should perform in school.

The Musts just seemed like obvious things like feeding them, providing them shelter and loving them. Aren’t those things that we all do anyway? You can go years chasing the Shoulds and then one day it becomes clear that your children are well dressed, behave nicely in public and bring home astounding school grades, but neither you nor your children are the type of people that you hoped for!

It is at this point, that you are finally able to redefine the Musts and take a good look at your Wants. When you take a good look at the Musts of your mothering, you will find that they don’t look anything like what other people determine them to be. Striving to create Musts out of your Shoulds depletes the joy in your life and inhibits a true relationship with your child.

Taking some time to write down the Musts have helped me to sort them from the Shoulds. One of the Shoulds that I frequently fall back into is the children’s school performance and I find it to be a particularly debilitating Should. When it rears its ugly head, I have to remind myself of the Must part and then I allow myself to enjoy the Wants that I have for the children.

First, I remember that I Must give my children an opportunity for education. I expect a minimum in their grade average, but it is more important to me that I stick to the Must of teaching them personal responsibility and accountability rather than succumbing to the pressure of merely performing to grading standards. I Want them to be well adjusted and not to just be honor roll students that are already feeling too much stress to get through the day without counseling or medication.

It is these types of Shoulds that prevent us from being meaningful for our kids. Teaching them how to cope with the pressures of school, activities and responsibilities at home may sometimes create an illusion that they are not keeping up with societal standards, but when we choose the Must of having the patience in the process over the pressure of the Should of their performance, we give them a gift for long term stability in their lives.

I give this to you as an example, but you certainly will find your own pet peeve Shoulds. Don’t let them bog you down into a life that you don’t Want to live! Write down yours Musts and spend a day only attending to the things that you Must do. When you feel comfortable with allowing some of the Shoulds to slide to the wayside, play a little game and allow your Wants to creep back in.

Wants are directly connected to your personal values. Your personal values are what you will pass on to your children in the most profound way because it’s done without words, but rather through actions and your own behavior. When your shoulders are feeling much more free of the Shoulds, and you’re absolutely clear on the Musts, wiggle your toes in the Wants and start to write them down.

Is that high pressure career something that you Want, or is it a product of the Shoulds of your youth? Is being home with your children a part of your Wants or would it be more conducive to everyone’s happiness if you have a regular babysitter? Is a sparking clean house a Must or is it a Should weighing you down? What are your fun Wants? Do you Want to dance with your girlfriends on a Saturday night? Do you Want to set some fun time aside with your husband? Your Wants create balance with your Musts and eliminate the Shoulds for good!

The Wants are important and they cannot be clouded by the Shoulds. Separating the Shoulds, the Musts and the Wants is about more than taking an hour a week to yourself for yoga, massage or any other activity that you enjoy. Coming to terms with them as a mother is a freedom to explore and live not only your most fulfilling life, but your most personally powerful life!